Letters

Here are two of the letters I mentioned in my last post. The first one is from Jana to me on my 13th birthday. It's pretty unusual for me to have received a typed letter from here, and this one definitely made me cry.

And here is an example of the ones I am more used to. I LOVED getting these letters. This one happens to be to Emily and I and it is interesting to see what was going on. Obviously Em wasn't in school yet, so, that would have made me 8 or 9.


And yes, I did win the Science Fair! Haha. I had almost forgotten that I used to call her Aunt Jano instead of Jana.

These are the reasons why I try to send G and D letters as often as possible, and why I just bought a new set of Markers!

My first post

I haven't posted here yet just because there is simply too much for me to say - Jana was amazing. She was an awesome aunt and I would honestly consider her to be one of my best friends. Every day, I strive to be more like her, to treat people the way she would, to always care even when it's hard, to always be happy no matter the circumstances, and to laugh as much as possible.

I think the thing I can remember most about Jana is her laugh. It was so distinct and so infectious. She was silly, and because of that, it was so easy to want to be around her. She made you feel special, loved and included - even when you were the "child" of the bunch and no one else really valued your opinion.

When my husband and I got married, Jana was separated from her own husband - looking back, I know it was hard for her, but she never showed it! She was always so happy for me and so congratulatory. She even threw me my first Wedding shower and gave me my most treasured set of bowls (I used them last night at our housewarming party). Drew and I moved into the apartment complex where she worked, and at the time, I was in school and working part time. It was one of my favorite things to do to walk down to her office and just sit and talk if she wasn't too busy. I even asked for fashion advice on more than one occasion when I was going to meet Drew for something and wanted to make sure my outfit was OK. We had fun conversations about what we were doing that weekend, and very serious conversations about how unfair the world is, about child rearing, about marriage, and more than anything I wish I could thank her for teaching me that life just simply is not perfect, but you have to make the most out of every day.

When I was little, Jana always sent me post cards and letters that she wrote in colorful markers and drew pictures on. I treasured these SO much because they were written specifically to me - not to me and Emily or to the whole family, but to me alone. I have no idea where the nick name came from, but she called me Scooby, and I would really like to know why!!

It still doesn't seem real to me that she is gone, but on the other hand, a very big part of me just pushes the thought away so that I don't have to think about it and deal with it. That is how my defense mechanisms work. I guess in the end, it made me aware of how thankful I am of my family and how important it is to tell them!

-Marcie

How can 2 years feel both so long and so short?

In our grief support group tonight we had to write on a sheet of paper, In Memory of ... with your loved one's name there and then write things you thanked them for.

So it was very difficult to write the first line (can't even write it again tonight) but easy to write things.

Pretty quickly though I went from being melancholy to writing that I thanked her for Mom and Dad's green curtains.

When it was pretty much down to the two of us left at home, we played some game, maybe UNO (?) in the den all the time. We decided to raise the stakes and then started playing for more than just a score. We started playing for the lovely decor in this traditional 80's or was it 70's "family" room.

One of our favorite things to play for were the LINED green rubbery drapes.

Other choice things were the couch with the horse or cow head, the coffee table with the wagon wheels and of course the peel and stick vinyl.


Our grief support group tries to guide you through the mourning process.

Each week we have had homework to work a little further through this terrible process.

One of the assignments was to bring a picture.

Somehow I just could not bring a picture. I haven't even been able to look at one for too long because this would make it real.

I did tonight and each picture captured her smile which broke my heart.

Too real tonight. More another time.

My Heart is Heavy

Today is the two year anniversary of the loss of our sister. It's a heart heavy day. I miss her spunk, her verve, her complete goofiness so very much. I see her in her daughter Gillian and in my daughter Katie. I'm grateful to have these two who remind me so much of her. Although we have lost someone incredibly dear to us, others have moved into roles and places that have helped heal away some of the pain. It's like having her here with us, but not really. Hard to explain when you haven't experienced it.

I see Jana in golden butterflies, in balloons floating in the sky, in red Jeeps that seem to follow me around town. I feel her close to me. I'm sure that anyone reading this will think I'm nuts, but I really do. Sometimes more than others. I will be glad when this extra sad day is over.

I can't talk about memories today when I'm so sad, but I'll come back. :)

My First Memory

Mark and I had dated for a long, long time - oh, about 3 weeks!!! It was Christmas time, and time to meet his family. His mother had invited me to come over for dinner, and I was going to meet his mom, dad, little sister Jana, and his older sister Jerri, who was home from college for the holiday. To say I was nervous is an understatement, but what 16 year old wouldn't be!



Mark came to my house and picked me up, and I made sure that he felt I was dressed appropriately, that my hair was okay, that I didn't have on too much makeup, or not enough, and that I knew what I could and couldn't say. I'm sure by the time we finally left my house to head to his, he probably wished that he'd just gone out with his friends instead and not planned to take me to meet his parents. But finally, after an extended preparation, we left for his house.



The drive was the shortest one I'd ever made. I don't know why I was so nervous, but I guess it was because I already knew in my heart that I was "in love", and I really wanted to make a good impression on my boyfriend's family. So he got out of the car, walked around and opened my door (which he still does to this day after 28 years of marriage!!!) and walked me to the front door. Mark's dad, a 6'5" giant of a man, opened the door as we got to the porch, and greeted me as if he'd known me forever. His mother ran to the door with a cup towel still in her hand and gave us a big hug and was so very gracious. Jerri introduced herself, and suddenly we were all quiet and just standing there looking at each other. Then suddenly, out of my peripheral vision from the right side, a flaming red-headed girl came flying through the dining room door like a ballerina gone wild with a very loud Ta-Dah, and bounded up to me with her curls still bouncing! Yep - it was Jana!! If I had had any fears up to this point, they all went away. We all laughed and giggled at Jana and her silliness to the point that my fears all vanished. She had broke the silence, and from that moment on, I knew that this was a family I could love.



Jana was my little sister from that moment, and still is to this day. I'd never had a little sister before, and she fit the bill completely. We had so much fun together over the years, and I protected her from her big brother, and protected him from her every chance I got.



The bouncy red-headed ballerina will always be a memory that I'll cherish. I see that little ballerina in Gigi's eyes everytime I look at her - and Darcy has her mom's smile. I'm thankful to have so many wonderful memories to share over time. What a special, wonderful thing!

If you would like to post

Please email me at ollienina@gmail.com and I will grant you permission to post. Thanks!

Technical difficulties

I thought I had this set up so anyone could post their messages. I am working to find a solution so you don't have to have a google account or just post as a comment.

Please check back. I really want to capture your thoughts for the girls.
Jerri